Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost
by Ka.Ra.Ea
Summary: "You haven't been alone then." He didn't know what made him say it, why he'd thought Merlin would've gone through the centuries since Arthur's death with no one beside him. Merlin's answering smile was small but not bitter or worn as he replied. "I was, actually. For a long time, a lifetime, maybe more after the others died. But people aren't meant to be alone and I'm no exception


Hints of Merthur. Listed as complete but I may continue it at some point if anyone's interested.

Disclaimer: Merlin isn't mine. If it was there would be another season where all our broken hearts got mended and everyone lived happily ever after

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Arthur sat stunned watching the little girl, Lizzie, clamber over the sofa, the book that sat discarded on it and, most importantly, her grandfather. Merlin.

Merlin, who was now an old man, but still alive and still Merlin after untold time.

He cleared his throat as Lizzie ran off to find her mother, Merlin's _daughter_. "So, you haven't been alone then." He didn't know what made him say it, why he had thought Merlin would have gone through the centuries since Arthur's death with no one beside him.

Merlin's answering smile was small but not bitter or worn as he replied. "I was, actually. For a long time, a lifetime, maybe more after the others died. But people aren't meant to be alone and I'm no exception."

"But doesn't it hurt? Watching everyone around you grow old and die while you just carry on living?"

"Yes, it does. It never stops hurting." Merlin answered honestly. He was done lying to Arthur, at least when it counted for something. "I've lost so many people; friends and lovers and family... So many, many loved ones. I miss every single one of them every single day and there was a time I swore never to love anyone ever again just so it would stop."

"What changed?" Arthur asked quietly. He couldn't help himself. The more he asked the more he hurt them both, but he couldn't stop.

Merlin's smile came back, a little melancholy this time. "My daughter was born. And then she died."

Arthur drew in a sharp breath.

"Adelaide. She was beautiful." Merlin's eyes looked past Arthur, his mind conjuring what life could no longer show him. "Her mother died not long after she was born. She just wouldn't stop bleeding and nothing I nor anyone else at the time could do for her helped. And when Adelaide herself passed it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. Have ever experienced. And believe me, I've experienced a lot." His gaze returned to Arthur and his lips pulled a painful expression Arthur loathed to call a smile anymore. "But I couldn't regret her. Not ever. Even if I only had her for a little while, she was worth every second of heartbreak. And I couldn't wish she'd been immortal like me. I could never wish that on anyone. She had a long, full and happy life and then she died."

Arthur looked away, his eyes stinging a little. "So you decided that it was better to love someone and lose them than have nobody to lose?"

Merlin laughed at that. "Who would've thunk it, King Arthur a Shakespeare wannabe?" He waved a hand dismissively at his friend's confusion. "That's pretty much it, yeah. After Adelaide I grieved for years, but I eventually found another someone to love. And then I lost them and the process started again." He shrugged. "It's painful, but it's not as depressing as it sounds. I've lived through some amazing things, known some amazing people. And looking back I can't say I'd rather it hadn't happened. For a long time I wished that I had died when you did, but I know now that wasn't meant to happen and I'm okay with that. Better than okay. There are too many things I would've missed out on."

Lizzie chose that moment to come running back in, as if to prove the point.

The conversation lulled as she climbed back on Merlin's lap and busied herself with a colouring book.

Arthur glanced up from watching her to find Merlin watching him. They exchanged a smile and suddenly a question was tearing to climb out of Arthur's mouth. "What happens now?"


End file.
